“I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you,” she said to me yesterday. “I think I’d just give up.” This is the second time in recent weeks that she’s used the phrase “give up.” That’s new for her. I don’t like to hear her talk like that.
Today we saw the kidney specialist and had another difficult conversation. Her kidney function is down to 13% and it’s time to talk about whether or not she will choose dialysis when the time comes. The doctor explained that she would only be a candidate for dialysis at a dialysis center, and that she would likely have to go three times a week to be hooked up to a machine for three hours each visit. He said that it’s not painful, just uncomfortable, and that the worst side effect most of his patients have from it is fatigue, while some actually feel better and more energetic once they’re on dialysis. He went on to explain that she doesn’t need dialysis YET, but the reason he brings it up now is because she would need surgery a couple of months prior to starting dialysis, to make a fistula in her arm for the access site.
Mom shook her head firmly and said “I’ll just go home to Heaven.”
I squeezed her hand and told her she doesn’t have to decide anything now. We’re not there yet. “No,” the doctor echoed, “We’re not there yet. And there’s a lot to consider.”
Yeah. Like how in the world I would GET her to a dialysis center three times a week, for starters. I’ve already been out of work for almost seven months, and I have to go back to work as soon as possible. Once I start a new job, it will likely be quite some time before I can manage even half a day off ONCE a week.
But the bigger question is, how much would dialysis help? I’m only just starting to research this, but my initial findings on the internet tell me that there are pretty serious risks for patients over the age of 80. She’ll be 90 in in a little less than three months, and with all her other health conditions, I’m not even sure if she’s a good candidate for dialysis at all. But once it’s determined that her kidneys can’t function without dialysis, she may only live a few months.
I’m not ready for this.
I’ll close this with some good news. The two Procrit injections she received bumped her hemoglobin count up from 7.9 to 9.6, so the doctor says she’ll only need them once a month at most.